Ashira Naima Yvonne Pratt - My Report Card

I'm up this morning reading this intimate account of my pregnancy and am really happy I chose to do this blog. Ashira will know she was loved from the moment of conception. The human brain is wired for love. I know this without a doubt by watching this amazing little creature grow, develop and blossom.  Her smile, laugh and personality is infectious.

But, this blog is about me.

How am I doing as a mother? How am I doing as a wife? How am I doing as a woman? One of the greatest attributes I possess is having a sincere desire to examine myself. While I sometimes engage in the horrible art of backbiting and judging others, I spend the majority of my time thinking about myself. I am one of my worst critics, next to my mother. She rarely had anything positive to say about my singing, housekeeping abilities, my childhood or about  me for that fact. However, she did pay me one of the nicest compliments before she passed. She told me I was a strong person and handled her business (social security check, medical needs, housing and mental illness) much better than she could. I really didn't want to be the strong one in the family, all the time. There were times when I really needed someone to lean on but couldn't and it made me depressed. They say time heals all wounds. Well, I am still waiting on mine to. There's this aching in my heart that just won't go away. I've had it since my mother left me when I was a child. Of course, I didn't know that all of my acting out was  a result of being abandoned but now it is so apparent and obvious. And now, it forces me to come to terms with my maternal instincts and ability.

As a mother, I would have to give myself an D-. Mind you, I feed, read, bathe, and give unconditional love to Ashira. She is self-assured, well-adjusted and growing healthy. However, what she needs me to do the most, I have failed to do and that is take care of my mental, spiritual and physical health. I'm sure during my early childhood my mother was there for me as well. Otherwise, I wouldn't have survived but she neglected herself. She failed to love herself properly, follow her dreams/goals, and create healthy boundaries in her relationships. Because of this, she eventually she lost herself. Looking back on these blog entries, it has occurred  to me that I've too lost myself. I do not pray without ceasing, I don't exercise, I'm not following my dreams or creating meaningful goals and I've certainly neglected my mental health. I've become negative, disheartened, pessimistic and apathetic - not exactly the stuff great moms are made of.

So, as of today I take back what the devil has tried to steal from me. I speak life over me, Ashira, Alfred and all that concerns us. I declare that I am a woman of excellence. I love myself. I am  created in the image and likeness of God. I overcome all things by faith and Nothing shall by any means hurt me.