Where is the Love?

Thelma Yvonne Burleson-Rogers has become my greatest teacher. Being the stubborn independent daughter that I was, this is very hard for me to admit. Our relationship was odd in the fact that as far as I can remember,  I was always the one making decisions, in control of her finances, and telling her what was best. I deemed her weak, childish and unfit as a mother. But, with the choices she made, she really didn't leave me much choice in the matter. Now that I'm a mother I have another perspective. I find myself thinking of my late mother with more fascination than condemnation. She has become elevated to mentor status in my mind.  It isn't her wisdom and knowledge that has become my school master but her mistakes and failures that I have finally chosen to dissect and learn from. One of the things that I wasn't blessed with was my mother's beauty or desire to be looked upon as beautiful. I believe her beauty was her Kryptonite and kept her from doing things that was beneficial to her. When men comment on my looks, I tell them all the time,  "I am more smart than pretty." This statement completely disarms them and puts me in the drivers seat of the situation. I have gained an understanding that either you're in the driving seat of your life or someone else will be happy to take the lead.

BACK TO MY TEACHER!
Through her paternal upbringing, with all of the focus in the family being on the "boys", my mother never thought in terms of what was good for her. She constantly deferred to what others wanted, what was best for the men in her life or what others thought of her. Well, anyone who knew my mother understands where that got her, not very far. She ended up penniless, homeless, mentally ill and without honor among my brother and I. How did this promising beauty queen fall so far from grace? The easy answer would be to blame my no-good-father. And trust me, he was just that. Marrying Will Rogers was about the single worst decision in her all too young life. But, blaming him would relieve her of all the personal responsibility and turn her into a child. When the facts were, she was a full-grown woman who was intellectual and articulate and could have done anything with her life. I would take all that away from her if I transferred all the guilt to my father. So, I had to peruse her life with a fine tooth comb and evaluate where she went wrong and apply those lessons to my life. This is the resounding wisdom that my mother has passed down to me : LOVE DOESN'T HURT! I don't care if it's your mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, best friend or spouse. If they love you, they won't hurt you. I'm not suggesting that relationships will be without conflict because I'm not oblivious to reality or living in la-la land but inflicting wounds is not the same as having conflict. It was her inability to ascertain whether a person deserved to be in her life based on how they treated her instead of their title that caused her downfall. That being said, I am totally realigning my inner compass. I drift towards people and experiences that adds value to me. I don't hate, blame, or dislike anyone or anything but I purposefully avoid people who has shown me that I am not valuable to them. This allows more room in my life for those who do see my inner beauty and celebrate me. And yes, while this decision has caused me to isolate myself from my family, I am the happiest and most confident I've been in my whole life. Oh how I wish my mother would have learned this during her lifetime! All I can say to my mom, who is watching over me with her angel wings, is thank you for being my greatest teacher and I love you to infinity. I know you have done everything within your power to make sure I get this lesson and apply it to my life.